Saturday, February 27, 2010

Tiger's Attorneys Call Out for PETA

Tiger Woods' attorneys have stopped PETA's plans to launch a billboard advertising campaign using the golfer's likeness in their spay-and-neuter campaign. The group was reminded that it was not authorized to use Woods' likeness in their advertising. The animal rights group has turned its attention to South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. They've changed the copy to read "Your dog doesn't have to go to South America to get laid."



Pet Peeves

The PETA folks sure have a handle
On how to deal with one's sex scandal.
Those folks who love your dog and horse
Would have one Tiger Woods endorse
All efforts to keep your dear pets chaste,
Ignoring, of course, the question of "taste."

Their billboard showing us Tiger's face
Is how they'd like to press the case
For their ever-popular crusade
To ensure your dogs and cats are spayed.

They can't see why the man's offended -
But their efforts now, it seems, have ended.
They've decided now they'd best abort -
Or face the Tiger, next, in court.

Mark Sanford's next in PETA's sights,
In it's campaign for our pets' rights.
It alludes to his clandestine journeys -
While waiting to hear from Mark's attorneys.

Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Friday, February 26, 2010

Bipartisan Healthcare Agreement Doubtful

President Barack Obama says Democrats and Republicans may be unable to agree on reforming health care. After a day of disagreement between the two sides, Obama indicated Democrats may try to pass their plan for overhauling the system without GOP support.



Healthcare Hassles

The Democrats and the GOP
Held seven hours of debate
About what to do on health reform;
With no agreement on its fate.

Each side stuck to its previous grounds,
Both insist they need a plan.
But came to the end of their day of talks,
As far apart as when they began.

The system needs an overhaul,
As seen through Democratic eyes;
Republicans say it costs too much.
It's time, it seems, for compromise.

Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Idol Judges Ripped

Rhythm and Blues singer Patti LaBelle says some American Idol judges aren't qualified. LaBelle says self-confidence is vital and feels some of the comments the judges make to the contestants "could make you like wanna kill yourself,"



Judge For Yourself

Patti LaBelle says certain celebs
Lack the chops to be judging American Idol.
The singer feels some of the judges' remarks
Could make many a wannabe turn suicidal.

Patti says hopefuls just gotta believe
That fame can be theirs, if that's what they choose.
And so, says the Diva, keep singing your songs
And go after your dream - you've got nothing to lose.

Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Layoffs Announced At Network News

Officials at ABC News say massive staff reductions will take place by the end of the year. More then 100 employees are expected to be fired.



Off The Air

The News at ABC
Will be letting people go;
Since the industry is changing
And the economy's still slow.

Things like cyberspace
Are affecting every viewer.
No need for all those News folks -
They'll do just fine with fewer.

Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Deployment From Iraq May Take Longer

The head of the military command in Iraq says he's prepared with
Plan B if it's necessary in our exit from the war. Gen. Ray Odierno
also said he supports gays serving openly in the military "as long as we are still able to fight our wars."




Withdrawal At A Crawl?

The top military man in Iraq
Says our troops are still facing flak;
And if locals can't stand
And take over command,
Plan B will keep things on track.

He also had something to say
About the fate of troops that are gay;
Saying they all deserve
To fight on and serve
In keeping the bad guys at bay.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Monday, February 22, 2010

Teacher Layoffs Predicted

The Secretary of Education says many U.S. teachers may lose their jobs this year. Arne Duncan told the nation's Governor in Washington that local governments are looking to cut back on education in an effort to balance their budgets.



Class Dismissed

Some of your favorite teachers
May soon be getting pink slips.
Because of fewer tax dollars,
School districts are not in the chips.

Since those budgets need to be balanced,
The time's come to abrogate;
And say farewell to some of the folks
Whose jobs are to educate.

With the economy still in a tailspin,
And the job market less than inviting,
What do our Johnny's and Mary's
Need with all that reading and writing.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Friday, February 19, 2010

Obama Keeps Options Open

President Obama indicates the Democratic plan for fixing health care is still an option. The president spoke as the two sides of the aisle prepare to meet in an effort to reach a compromise on the issue.


A Healthy Alternative

The President's looking for input,
From the GOP side of the aisle,
For overhauling our healthcare
With a plan that is seen as worthwhile.

The Democrats and the Republicans
Hold a summit of sorts come next week;
In an effort to reach a compromise
That will pass the taxpayers' critique.

Failure to break up the logjam,
To overcome present rejections,
Could present a dilemma for Democrats
In the upcoming off-year elections.

But if compromise isn't forthcoming,
And opponents just can't break the knot,
The President says there's the option
To pass what the Democrats got.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Tiger To Talk

Tiger Woods is ending a long silence and will talk to a small group of colleagues, friends and the media in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla. A spokesman says it's "about the next step." Woods' agent says the golfer will take no questions at Friday's meeting.


Back In The Swing

Reporters hope
To get the goods
When they all flock
To Tiger Woods.

Among the things
Folks hope to hear
Is when will he
Get back in gear.

He's called for press
With plans to gab
About what's next
Past sex rehab.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Malaria Killed King Tut

Scientists have found that King Tutankhamun suffered from several ailments throughout his life and died of malaria. The results are being published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.



Not All That Tutankhamun

The people who write for the AMA
Finally have something important to say
Now that they’ve tested the DNA
Of the mummy we know as King Tut.

JAMA says doctors now all agree
And are ready to come right out and decree
That the boy king had problems like you and like me.
And their case is now open and shut.

He suffered clubfoot throughout all his reign,
And the malady seems to have kept him in pain;
And though it’s unlikely it affected his brain,
He lived with discomfort each day.

He lived with great pain from his toes to his knees;
No end of suff’ring with Kohler’s disease,
Existence was hardly what you’d call a breeze,
Until malaria took him away.

Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Westminster Recognizes New Breeds

Westminster Kennel Club is introducing new breeds to its world-class show. They join more than 400 breeds recognized around the globe.


Putting On The Dog

The Westminster folks
Introduce some new breeds
To official dog-dom,
Recognizing their deeds.

The Pyrenean shepherd
Is getting its chance,
After guarding the sheep
Since medieval France.

And also the Bohund,
Is now having its having its day,
After working with Vikings
In ancient Norway.

It took many centuries
Since the club’s quite discreet.
Now the dogs have their place
Among the canine elite.

Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Monday, February 15, 2010

Olympics Crack Down On Drugs

The head of the World Anti-Doping Agency says efforts more likely to spot athletes on drugs. More than 30 athletes have been prevented from competing in Vancouver.



Testing One’s Mettle

Competing in Olympics
Can lead to fame and hugs.
So, wishing for more power,
Some hopefuls turn to drugs.

But then the day of testing
Ends all Olympic hope.
They find it’s less than brilliant
To expect to score with dope.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Friday, February 12, 2010

Playboy Stockholder Suing Hefner

Hugh Hefner is facing a lawsuit filed by a Playboy stockholder. The suit accuses Hefner of allowing the company to collapse while he continues to lead "the good life."



Pursuing Playboy

Hugh Hefner's in court,
Fighting a threat to his reign.
A shareholder claims
Playboy's going down the drain.

Says the plaintiff, it's time
To put the firm on the block.
An issue costs more
Than a share of its stock.

He claims it's that Hef
Wants to keep getting his kicks.
That he cares not for money....
But just wants the chicks.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Obama And Palin Tease About Crib Notes

Jokes continue about President Obama's use of the teleprompter when making a speech, whether in answering the press at the White House or addressing students in the classroom. The administration responds with some teasing about Sara Palin's use of a more primitive method to keep her main points in mind.





Out On A Limb

Speakers often need help
In recalling their facts,
Sometimes forgotten
When down to brass tacks.

The teleprompter's there
When Barack takes his stand;
But Sarah prefers it
In the palm of her hand.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

New Hospital Gown Planned For British Hospitals

British government officials plan to replace the opened-back hospital gown with one that wraps around the patient. The garments are being tested in Bristol, England and are expected to be used in all British hospitals next year.


Wrapped Up In Their Work

The hospital gown
Is being upgraded.
Among leaders in Britain,
It's quite highly rated.

It wraps round the patient;
It's fashionably cut.
And what people like most
Is it covers one's butt.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Brad and Angelina Sue Tabloid Over Breakup Story

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are suing a British tabloid over rumors the couple is breaking up. They accuse the News Of The World of starting a rumor that was later picked up by the mainstream press.



Courting Rumors

Angelina and Brad
Have had quite enough.
They've called on their lawyer
In a bit of a huff.

"The News Of The World"
Seems to have caused quite a stir
And the Hollywood couple
Sees it all as a slur.

Seems the tab had a reason
For creating such leaks.
Neither Angie nor Brad
Were seen together - for weeks.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Monday, February 8, 2010

Californians Back Home After Mud Slides Drove Them Out

Residents of the foothills near Los Angeles have been allowed back into their homes. More mudslides are feared with rain expected later this week.



Muddy Waters

While the east contends with snow,
Wouldn't you just know
The west coasters winter bane
Consists of pouring rain.

Driven from their homes,
Feeling much like gnomes,
Back home despite the flood,
Sloshing through the mud.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Friday, February 5, 2010

Missionaries Charged With Kidnapping

Ten U-S Missionaries face charges of child kidnapping in connection with 33 young victims of Haiti's earthquake. The missionaries say they were attempting to take the youngsters to an orphanage in the Dominican Republic.



Benefactors Or Baddies

Ten good Samaritans face time behind bars
For trying to ease children's emotional scars.
They all tried to help for humanity's sake,
When the kids were left homeless by a dire earthquake.
Treated like criminals despite their good deed,
Because government leaders don't know how to read.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Thousands More Troops Slated For Afghanistan

Officials in Washington announce at least 18,000 more U.S. troops will be in Afghanistan by late spring. The chairman of the Joint Chiefs Of Staff says the influence of the Taliban is spreading.




Marching Off To War

Pentagon leaders
Get down and dirty.
Thousands more soldiers,
Eighteen to thirty,
To Afghanistan
Come sometime this Spring
To bolster committment
And, of course, do their thing.
Adm'ral Mike Mullen
Says they're needed on hand,
Since the Taliban's spreading
Throughout all the land.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Judge Tells Woman: Get A Divorce

A judge has sent a Michigan woman to jail for 15 days, and has given her 6 months to divorce one of her husbands. The woman will also serve a year's probation on a charge of polygamy.


A Split Decision

The judge told the lady
To choose one of two,
And tell one of her husbands
Their marriage is through.

The law states quite clearly
Polygamy's a crime.
And most folks can handle
Just one spouse at a time.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Expect Six More Weeks Of Winter

Hundreds of people watched as Punxsutawney Phils emerged from his winter home, saw his shadow, and went back down. His prediction: expect winter to last another six weeks.



The Shadow Knows

Prepare for six weeks
Of more winter chills.
That's old Phil's prediction,
Without any frills.

He emerged from his hole
With his usual frown;
Spotted his shadow,
And scurried back down.


Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Monday, February 1, 2010

Toyota To Repair Faulty Gas Pedals

Toyota Corporation says its dealers will soon have the parts needed to fix the car's faulty gas pedal. According to the company, the parts will arrive within the week.


Accelerating Repairs

Owners of ailing Toyotas
Are getting some help from the boss:
Some parts for your busted gas pedal,
So's it won't be a total loss.

The parts will be sent to your dealer,
Direct to his show room and shop.
And after he reads the directions,
He'll make it easy to start...and to stop.

Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon