Thursday, September 30, 2010

Amtrak Plans High-Speed Service

Amtrak officials are planning for high-speed trains to travel between Boston and the nation’s capital. The plan is projected to take 30 years and more than $100 million for trains that will travel more than 200 mph.



    Tearing Up
    (and Down)
    The Tracks

Amtrak has a plan
For trains that go real fast;
Speeds that may, some feel,
Leave passengers aghast.

Take the morning train
Down the Northeast corridor
And get safely to your job
Sometime the night before.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Ryder Cup Fans Eye Woods And Mickelson

Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson won’t be playing as a team at the Ryder Cup. When asked about the possibility, Mickelson indicated there’s no chance of such a pairing. The two were soundly defeated in the 2004 challenge by Colin Montgomerie and Padraig Harrington of Europe.



       Up For The Cup

Will Tiger Woods and Lefty
Be paired as a team,
As the Ryder Cup challenge
Has fans all agleam?

Phil smiles at the prospect,
And responds with a grin,
That he doubts that will happen
Since we all want to win.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Obama: Longer School Year Needed

President Obama says students in the United States are falling behind their counterparts in other countries. One solution, he says, is to extend the time spent in school each year. Mr. Obama also suggests that under-performing teachers should be let go.



Class Dismissed

The president says we must take steps
To see our kids don’t end up fools.
One way, he says, is much more time
Be spent each year inside our schools.

An additional move to solve our woes,
The president succinctly stated,
Is that teachers found not up to par
Be weeded out and terminated.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Monday, September 27, 2010

Congress Asked To Battle Stink Bug

Congress members from five states, including Pennsylvania and Maryland, are calling on the federal government to approve strong pesticides to kill the stink bug. Lawmakers insist failure to act could cause a national crisis as the bug threatens crops throughout the nation.



Raising a Stink

Five of these United States
Have found themselves in dire straits;
They’re calling on ecology cops
To stop this “thing” that’s threatening crops.
The problem’s getting rather critical
And becoming more and more political;
Officials now feel deep frustration
And real concern to save the nation.
Congress hopes to soon provide
Someone with a pesticide,
Something like a potent spray
To make the stink bug go away.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Friday, September 24, 2010

Death By Texting On The Rise

According to a government report, thousands of drivers are dying on the nation’s highways while texting or using their cell phones. Officials are calling for tougher laws to help solve the problem.



Changing Channels

More and more drivers are going to their deaths
Using cell phones and texting as they draw their last breaths.
It may be confusing; you may feel perplexed
That it’s really quite legal to drive while you text.

And more and more people are still raising hell,
As they speed down the highway while using their cell.
How, you may ask, are such actions regarded?
Are all of these people immature and retarded?

Both of these practices are really distracting;
And I hope you don’t think that I’m over-reacting;
But till against this behavior there comes a decree,
I’ll just keep on driving while watching TV.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Eagles: Vick Will Start At QB

Andy Reid has done an about face and now says Michael Vick will be the Eagles’ Quarterback. Reid had announced previously that he’d go with Kevin Kolb.



On Second Thought

After looking Kevin in the eye
And telling him that he’s the guy,
Andy chose to get his kicks
By telling folks the job is Vick’s.

Despite the size of Mr. Reid,
He changed his mind with lightning speed.
He may be out to please The Brass,
But it seems he lacks a bit of class.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

More jail time for Lindsay Lohan?

A judge in Beverly Hills has issued a warrant for the arrest of Lindsay Lohan. The action came after the actress admitted that she failed a drug test. Ms. Lohan may face jail if found to have violated her probation.


Another 30 Daze?

Ms. Lohan flunked another test
And now she faces re-arrest,
A warrant issued by Judge Fox
May mean a trip to drug detox;
Or maybe it’s just a bit of booze,
Which she seems to now and then abuse.
She says she wants to stop these tricks,
But now and then just needs a fix.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Kentucky defendant pleads caffeine insanity in death of wife

NEWPORT, Ky. – Woody Smith’s attorney says the man will claim an overdose of caffeine is to blame in the strangling death of Smith’s wife Amanda. Smith has said he remembers nothing of the incident.



Coffee Nerves

Woody blames the diet pills
And all those diet drinks.
It seems he lost his thinking skills
Nor could he catch forty winks.

The stuff, he says, messed up his brain;
Made him quite a klutz;
Suggesting he might be insane,
Woody says it made him nuts.

Facing going to jail for life,
He insists he’s not so mean;
It wasn’t he who killed his wife;
It was that demon drug caffeine.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Senate Candidate O’Donnell Twiddled With Witchcraft

Christine O’Donnell says she attended a satanic altar with a witch. The Delaware Republican, backed by the Tea Party, made her comments on a television show about 10 years ago. O’Donnell is also being accused of using campaign funds for her personal expenses.



Crafting A Campaign

Christine is feeling rather hale and hearty
Running for office with the new Tea Party.
Now, out of the blue, there comes a glitch:
A report that Chris said she dated a witch.
She hopes as a candidate she won’t falter
In light of her trip to a Satanic altar.
On top of all that, she’s being accused
(And those pointing the finger are less than amused)
Of creating what amounts to a fiscal perk
Because, as it happens, she’s out of work.
A citizen’s group which is known as CREW
Is asking the state to see it it’s true
That she’s running for office with nary a cent
To use contributions to pay her rent.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Friday, September 17, 2010

Team fires six-year old cheerleader

Kennedy Tesch has been removed from the team after her parents complained one of the cheers was risqué. The team met to consider the complaint and voted to remove the youngster from the team. The parents will get a refund for the price of the uniform.



A Rah-tin Break

Young Kennedy’s folks thought the cheer was rique
Something they’d rather their daughter not say.
When the team met to consider a “yea” or a “nay”
They decided it best the young lady not stay.
The others, it seems, will get ready to play;
They’ve told the young hopeful to just go away.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The French Outlaw The Muslim Veil?

The Senate in France has approved a bill that would make the Islamic Veil illegal. If approved by the Constitutional Council, the measure would ban the use of face-covering veils on streets and other public places.



Let’s Face It

The Senate in France
Is out to derail,
If it’s given the chance,
The burga-style veil.

Some feel the new rule
Is not to debase.
They just think it’s cool
To see everyone’s face.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Dutch police arrest a drunk US pilot

Police in Amsterdam say they pulled an American pilot from his planned flight because he was drunk. They say his blood alcohol content was recorded at just above legal limits. The man was fined and released.



Grounded

It seems that the Dutch
Don’t think very much
Of pilots who get themselves drunk.
So they made an arrest
Gave one a blood test,
Which, you guessed it, he happened to flunk.

Since they found he was tight,
They canceled his flight
And levied a rather stiff fine.
They say he won’t fly out,
And hope he might dry out,
For the sake of your safety and mine.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

New superbugs immune to drugs

Health officials say bacteria resistant to all known antibiotics have infected people in three states and are showing up around the world. The U.S. cases have been found in California, Massachusetts and Illinois.



What's Bugging You?

Health officials say we must beware
Because we have another fitness scare.
It seems we have so big a bug,
We're quite hard pressed to find a drug
To fight a threat that so exotic,
It has no fear of antibiotic.
How vital it is that each understands
How important it is to wash our hands.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Monday, September 13, 2010

Minister Cancels Plans To Burn Quran

Florida preacher Terry Jones says he won't burn the Quran even if a mosque is built near the remains of the Twin Towers. Jones had caused a bit of an uproar from Washington to Kabul over his threat to torch the Islamic Good Book.



Priorities

The preacher has told New York's Imam
That he won't start the blaze that upset Islam.
Washington's glad to hear from the pastor
His changes in plans, averting disaster.
Obama was anxious to save the Quran
While three U.S. priz'ners remain in Iran.

 
 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Friday, September 10, 2010

Handcuffed suspect stole police car

A burglary suspect in Seattle is back in custody after stealing a patrol car. According to police, the suspect had been handcuffed in the back seat. The arresting officer had walked away for a minute.


Distressing Arrest

Police say a thief
Gave them some grief
When he chose to skedaddle
From downtown Seattle.

But his plans were derailed
And he was once again jailed
After cops got their man
Not long after he ran.

Though he didn't drive far
In the stolen cop car,
It was still quite a feat,
While cuffed in the back seat.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Obama opposes extending tax breaks

The president says the nation cannot afford to foot the bill for a tax break for the wealthy. He told an audience in Ohio that such a move helped put the country in its current fiscal difficulties.



A Taxing Challenge

The president feels it's time
To raise taxes on the rich;
But help for the rest of us
Was also in his pitch.

He criticized opponents
And said, in his address,
Fewer taxes for the wealthy
Is what got us in "this mess."

The administration's striving,
In the face of disapproval,
To goose our fiscal fortunes
And stem a feared removal.


©  2010  Jim Gordon

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Democrats scramble to save House

A dull economy, discontented voters, and an erosion in the president’s popularity is making it scary for Democrats up for re-election this year. National polls show voters as split or leaning toward the GOP.


Strive To Survive

The president’s hoping to turn things around
By helping his party somehow to rebound
From what seems to be taking political toll
Threatening its chances to maintain control.

With voters upset, the economy dull,
Obama’s repute’s in a bit of a lull.
There’s a chance it could mean a liberal demise
And a return of command to the conservative guys.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Obama announces a job-creating plan

The president has announced a plan to create new jobs, which includes rebuilding roads and rails. The program would cost an estimated $50 Billion.  As his fellow democrats prepare to vie for reelection in November, the Republicans have told the administration it can expect no help from their side of the aisle.


FDR Revisited?

Obama has a plan to make some jobs
A year, or there abouts, on down the road.
He’s stepping up the war on unemployment
As he sees his popularity erode.

His plan includes rebuilding many roads
And improving things on runways and the rails.
The price, he says, is fifty-billion dollars;
And voters all await to hear details.

Meantime, his party’s planning for November
With hopes that all will then be re-elected.
The GOP, meantime, has made it clear
Its assistance should, in no way, be expected.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Monday, September 6, 2010

Parades and picnics kick off labor day weekend

People across the country enjoyed the final weekend of the summer with the traditional Labor Day parades, picnics, and cookouts.



Get A Job

Labor Day was first set up
To honor working folks.
It’s been a day to celebrate
And the source of many jokes.

The celebrations all began
In Eighteen Ninety-Four;
Long before we all downsized
And many shown the door.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Friday, September 3, 2010

God was not needed for creation, says Britain’s Steven Hawking

According to physicist Stephen Hawking, the universe and all that in it could have happened without a divine creator. “The Grand Design,” a book which Hawking co-authored, suggests the solar system could have come from chaos through nature.



How’d It All Begin?

Stephen Hawking says creation
Doesn’t prove that God exists.
Facing some folks’ indignation,
Life, he says, needs no assists.

Was it chaos or design?
Remains to be seen, says author Steve,
It might not be a work divine
That all began with Adam and Eve.

©  2010  Jim Gordon

Thursday, September 2, 2010

School boss nixes “gay”

An elementary school principal in Sydney, Australia told students decided to remove the word “gay” from an old campfire song when sung by his students. After some unexpected reaction, however, he’s reinstated the word. He notes, however, the kids will likely be singing the song less often.


Frantic Semantic

The word was causing giggles;
And here and there a snicker
But the principal’s decision
Has prompted some to bicker.

It once meant, simply, “happy,”
That one was full of cheer.
But now its other meaning
Makes some feel rather queer.

So the principal decided
To use “fun” instead of “gay” –
But after all the uproar,
The latter gets to stay.

 
©  2010  Jim Gordon

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Residents angry over planned marijuana farm

Angry neighbors in Longmont, Colorado, plan to fight the idea of pot in their midst. An investor has won the right to grow medical marijuana, despite objections of residents. Colorado is one of 14 states that allows the cultivation of pot for medical purposes.



Going To Pot?

It may not be Nirvana
But folks say marijuana
Is something they would rather do without.

Neighbors, quite upset,
See it as a threat,
So, in opposition, plan to go all out.

They feel it will disrupt,
And otherwise corrupt
The comfort of their calm and cozy site.

To save their rural spot
From any kind of pot,
The neighbors plan to give it one last fight.

 
© 2010  Jim Gordon