Bill Clinton Asked To Lose Weight

Former president Bill Clinton has been fighting the battle of the bulge for quite some time. As the day grows near for his daughter's wedding, however, Chelsea is asking her dad to lose 15 pounds for the occasion.


Slimming Down The Aisle

Bill Clinton's looking toward the day
He walks his daughter down the aisle
To give his little girl away;
He hopes to do it in high style.

With such a happy day ahead,
Bill and Chelsea have had a chat,
And bride-to-be asked dad to shed
Fifteen pounds of ugly fat.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Tiger Woods Getting Back To "Normal"

Fans greeted Tiger Woods in North Carolina with warm applause. Woods is playing in the Quail Hollow Championship in his road to resuming his career on he golf course.


Tiger On The Tee

Despite the lack of fan fare
And little camera-clicking,
Tiger had a good time,
And it's sure the fans weren't kicking.

He's playing at Quail Hollow
In his quest for "back to normal"
As he greets folks in the gallery
And seems a bit less formal.

He'll start off Thursday morning;
In a field, again, with Phil.
And plans to have a real good time
As he re-hones his golfing skill.

© 2010 Jim Gordon

Supreme Court OKs Cross

The Supreme Court has ruled that a war memorial in the form of a cross can stay at the Mojave National Preserve. The cross, which has stood in the California desert for more than 75 years, had been the target of a constitutional battle.


Cross-ing The Mojave

A cross in the desert,
To honor our war dead,
Caused a constitutional fray.

The fight to remove it
Waged through our court system
Till the High Court decreed it can stay

© 2010 Jim Gordon

Free Speech Versus Violence

The Supreme Court will be taking up the issue of free speech again. This time, it's an attempt to overturn a law that forbids the sale of violent video games to children.



Supreme Protection

The folks who sell those games
Depicting violence
Say a law that bans their sale
Is wrong - and makes no sense.

The case has found its way
To the nation's highest court;
Where merchants now all hope
They'll finally find support.

Since kids can tune in cable,
Game sellers think it's lame,
That they, too, can't teach children
How to assault and kill and maim.

© 2010 Jim Gordon

Beware Creatures From Outer Space

Professor Stephen Hawking says it’s likely there is some form of life in other galaxies. But he says such creatures are also likely to pose a danger to humans on earth.


ET Stay Home

Space aliens exist, says Doctor Hawking;
And adds that folks on earth should keep away.
He feels such foreign life forms pose a danger
That we should always strive to keep at bay.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Obama Calls For Banking Law Changes

The president is calling on financial leaders to support his efforts to avoid more fiscal crises. Mr. Obama says an overhaul of banking legislation is needed to head off future bailouts.


Scaling Wall Street

The president wants wall street
To mend its "reckless" ways.
He says that his proposals
Will end the fiscal daze.

But opponents disagree
And don't accept his stats.
They say we just don't need
More federal bureaucrats.

The system caused the bailouts,
Says Obama, in defense,
And adds that overhaul
Is only common sense.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

School Lunches Threaten Military Recruitment

A group in Washington says many of the country's children are so overweight that they'd be unable to deal with life in the military.
The group is Mission: Readiness. It blames the problem on "junk" food served to the youngsters at school.


Food Fight

Seems our kids are getting chubby
From eating lunch at school;
Junk food such as french fries
And stuff that makes them drool.

One group says we're threatened
By obesity galore;
Since such kids are less likely
To defend us in a war.

A retired Navy bigwig
Is fearful of our plight,
With our potential soldiers
Getting much too fat to fight.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

James Bond Out Of Service

MGM blames financial problems for its decision to put production hold for the 23rd 007 film. Meantime, there's speculation that another studio might step into the breach to keep the super-spy alive and killing.


Spy Suspended

With Metro in a financial bind
What'll happen to James Bond?
Will the economy, at last, do in
The hero of whom we're fond?

Will another studio step up
And be the benefactor?
If so, will it seek some better plots
And find another actor?


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Jim Furyk Wins Golf Tournament – In A Way

Hilton Head Island, S. C. --- Jim Furyk won the Verizon Heritage on Monday after Brian Davis declared himself in violation during their one-hole playoff.
Slow motion replay showed that Davis had moved an impediment when his
7-iron hit the edge of the green on his approach. Tournament director Slugger White called Davis “a class act.”


Strange Victory

Jim and Brian all alone
Coming down the stretch;
When Brian pulls up short
And someone hears him kvetch.

The young and hopeful golfing pro,
On the verge of his first win,
Said he made a big mistake,
Very much to his chagrin.

And as much as he wants victory,
He flagged himself and passed.
It seems though he may be outplayed,
He’ll never be outclassed.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Dragon and Vigilante Vie For Lead

For two consecutive weekends, two motion pictures are coming down to the wire in the battle for first place. Kick-Ass, staring Nicholas Cage, appears to be tied for the lead with the computer animated How To Train Your Dragon.




Brutal And The Beast

Another weekend’s come
With two flicks neck and neck.
People from both sides
Are standing by to check.

Says one, How to Train Your Dragon
Is clearly Number One.
The other side says Kick-Ass
Has shown folks a lot more fun.

Fans might ask “why worry?
They’ve both earned moocho gold.”
But what’s at stake are bragging rights
For who had more tickets sold.

Kick-Ass is full of violence
That movie fans adore.
The Dragon flick, a tamer one,
Includes some Viking lore.

When it all is said and done
And there’s a winner in the chase,
That’s the one that, in its ads,
Can say it’s in first place.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Blast Off For Mars

President Obama told space workers at Cape Canaveral that he has plans that go beyond the Moon. He predicts that, within his lifetime, astronauts will land on Mars.


Spaced Out

The president is saying
Our hopes are still alive.
Our astronauts are staying;
Space travel will survive.

Though we'll lose our shuttle flights,
The Cape will stay employed.
All eyes are trained on other sites,
Which include an asteroid.

He's ruling out returning
To the Moon beyond the stars;
Because it seems he's yearning
To take a trip to Mars.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Sardine Canning Leaving U.S.

The Stinson Seafood plant in Prospect Harbor, Maine, will close its doors this week. The canning sardines will, thus, leave the shores of the United states. More than one hundred packers and other workers will lose their jobs.



Something Smells Fishy

The folks who can sardines
Along the coast of Maine
Will shut down their machines,
Thus ending their domain.

The employees are no shirkers,
But the economy's been bleak;
Now, one hundred thirty workers
Will lose their jobs next week.

Packing fish away for shipping
Is still something that's endorsed.
But like other stuff we purchase,
The task will be out-sourced.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Tiger Woods Criticized For Outbursts

CBS Sports anchor Jim Nantz, among others, was less than pleased with Tiger Woods' outbursts during the Masters Tournament. Despite promises to soften his reaction and language on the golf course, Woods expressed displeasure with how he was playing rather vocally during the tournament.



Hold That Tiger

When Tiger isn't happy
With how his golf game goes
He sometimes uses language
That can curl some people's toes.

He promised he'd control it
And be much more at ease;
But when things don't go as planned,
They can drive one to one's knees.

Yes, he said he'd cool it
And keep his language clean.
But what did you expect when
He missed the @#%*! green?


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Will Game Show Replace Soap Opera?

CBS is said to be looking at another game show to replace a long-running soap opera. It appears “As The World Turns” is the latest soap to face cancellation. Earlier, “Lets Make A Deal” went on the air to take the spot once occupied by “Guiding Light.”


It’s All In The Game

The networks seek reality
To take the place of soaps.
Their search for immortality
May dash some actors’ hopes.

As working actors lose their jobs
And their world turns out of sight,
The network has no time for sobs
Lower cost, its guiding light.

They need to see more folks tune in
No matter what they reap.
It’s a game they play, and know they’ll win,
If they come up with something cheap.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Race For Top Flick Too Close To Call

The people who report the top motion pictures for any given weekend are at a loss for the weekend just passed. It seems a comedy is close on the heels of “Clash Of The Titans.”




A Day At The (Box) Office

A major report on a funny flick
Starring actress Tina Fey
Is near enough to make one sick.
Must be a slow news day.

Seems “Date Night’s trailing close behind
A flick in which Titans clash.
It’s got producers in a bind,
Short a million bucks in cash.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Obama: Palin Not Much Of An Expert

President Obama dismisses Sarah Palin's criticism of his limitations on nuclear weapons. The president says he'd rather take advice from the secretary of defense of the head of the joint chiefs of staff.


Who Asked Ya?

The president cares little
Of what Sarah Palin thinks.
It's on advice of others
That the country swims or sinks.

He really has no interest
In Sarah's loud rebukes.
He says the last he checked,
She's no specialist on nukes.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Tiger Woods' News Conference Transcript

Various members of the news media released a transcript of the news conference Tiger Woods held before opening day at the Masters. News In Rhyme is pleased to present its version - with some minimal poetic license.


The Transcript

Craig Heatley: Any comments for us on your first practice day?
Tiger: Yeah. That great reception blew me away.

Question: How badly were you hurt? You never told us before.
Tiger: Well, I cut my lip and my neck was sore.

Question: Why didn't you talk to the cops during your journeys?
Tiger: I took the advice of my (pricey) attorneys.

Question: What's the toughest you've had to get passed?
Tiger: My core beliefs and my family harassed.

Question: As you prepared for your return, what did you anticipate?
Tiger: I thought of playing for my fans, and that made me feel great.

Question: Will engaging more with fans effect your score at all?
Tiger: When the game begins in earnest, I'll focus on the ball.

Question: What about the prescription drugs you keep?
Tiger: They're prescribed for me to help me sleep.

Question: What was all your rehab for?
Tiger: That's really personal - but I'll have more.

Question: How'd you rationalize what you now see as bad?
Tiger: That was part of the problem I had.


Question: What changed your mind to play this year?
Tiger: Practice made me want to get back in gear.

Question: How's your pursuit of Nicklaus affected by your strife?
Tiger: It's not about championships - but how you live your life.

Question: What do you want your sponsors to know?
Tiger: That I'll do my best to help them grow.


Question: What do you expect of the tournament you're in?
Tiger: I'm going on the course and I'll play to win.

Question: Are you concerned about your game on the green?
Tiger: How my layoff hurt me remains to be seen.

Question: Will you play in the Ryder Cup, or don't you know?
Tiger: I'm not on a team yet, so there's a long way to go.

Question: Do you want to play or take a bye?
Tiger: I'd like to play - if I qualify.

Question: When you start to play, what'll be on you mind?
Tiger: Having fun; it's what I hope to find.

Question: Do you feel the pressure will affect your hopes?
Tiger: Not really. Onlookers stay outside the ropes.

Craig: No more questions. I'm afraid that's that.
Tiger: Thanks, Craig...and guys...for this time to chat.

© Copyright 2010 Jim Gordon

Obama May Face Two Battles

Supreme Court Justice Paul Stevens may be giving the President a double whammy. Obama's attention may soon be split between replacing the retiring Stevens and helping Democrats maintain control in Congress.



Maintaining Status Quo

A fight to replace Paul Stevens
On the country's highest court
Could very well cause problems
And make Democrats fall short.

As he tries to keep a balance
Between the left and right
The prez could be distracted
From a huge legislative fight.

Because outside the court room,
Come November on Capitol Hill,
The GOP could take control;
Giving the left a bitter pill.

Republicans are working hard
To give Democrats the axe.
And that has left the president
With two big balancing acts.

© 2010 Jim Gordon

Jon Gosselin To Sue For Custody

Jon Gosselin will ask the court to re-open the divorce settlement between him and his ex-wife. Gosselin will ask for physical custody of the couple's children and a reworking of the support payments.



Step This Way

Jon Gosselin wants the judge
To give him all the kids.
Says Kate's out on the dance floor,
And as a mom, is on the skids.

Says Jon, the children's care
Is conducted by three nannies;
He wants to take control, now,
Of all the nooks and crannies.

The way things now are going,
Says Jon, is really sad.
With mommy turning dancer,
The kids now need their dad.

About the support he's paying,
Jon feels just a little sour.
And calls Twenty Grand excessive,
Given Katie's earning power.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Tiger Woods Accepts All Blame

At his news conference in Augusta, Tiger Woods accepted what he called full responsibility for his fall from grace. He also promised the packed news conference that he’ll show more respect for the game and tone down his language and outbursts on the golf course.



Master-ing The Game

Tiger told all those on hand
How he cheated and deceived.
But said he’s back to play some golf
And hopes he’s well received.

The champ is turning somewhat macho
With a goatee and mustache;
And his fans all hope his comeback works
And that he doesn’t crash.

He says he’ll show much more respect
As he gets his life on track;
Yes, Tiger hopes to patch things up
And get his sponsors back.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

GOP Chairman Losing Confidence

The RNC’s Robert Steele is facing a loss of confidence over a party for potential contributors. Some congressman are afraid the recent controversy over a sex-themed party at a Hollywood night club.




Sex Can Vex

Things seem shaky at the RNC
With the spot light on Bob Steele.
Some folks want to set him free;
Seems he’s losing some appeal.

He’s caused concern ‘mong the GOP
Over a night club’s sex-themed night.
Yet it’s still a case of wait-and-see
How it effects the chairman’s plight.


© 2010 Jim Gordon

Virginia Man Sues Pet Smart After Slipping On Animal Feces

Robert Holloway says he fell after slipping on animal feces at a Newport News Pet Smart Store. He says store management allows customers' pets to defecate on the floor.


Waste-ing Away

A man down in Newport News
Wants a million dollars or more.
Seems he got more than a bruise
When his head made contact with floor.

Now Pet Smart's facing some flap,
And possible obligation,
Because of a floor full of crap;
ie: Customers' pets' defecation.

© 2010 Jim Gordon

Did Tiger Tell The Truth?

An upcoming article in Vanity Fair is said to question Tiger Woods' claim that none of his friends or colleagues knew about his extra-marital affairs. In recent televised interviews, Woods insisted that no one close to him had any idea of what he was doing.


Sharing The Blame

According to Tiger, nobody knew,
Not even his friends or professional crew,
About his affairs that led to his shame;
And he, all alone, is the one who's to blame.

But now comes a story in Vanity Fair,
Written for readers who may possibly care,
That questions those things that Tiger contends.
And says he had help from a lot of his friends.

© 2010 Jim Gordon